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*shrugs* [8/28/06 ~ 10:27 am]
Philosophical Paradox
I can't write. I just... can't. Well, I can write, which I am clearly displaying as I type this, but... humor me. I can't write. There's so much in my heart and so little in my brain useful in justifying what is in my heart, so I sit with a pen and journal in hand, a keyboard beneath my finger tips and monitor before my eyes, and whatever other means with which I might be able to express myself and nothing meaningful comes though I feel there's so much I could possibly give.

I'll be singing soon. Thursday. I've stopped drawing since I returned to the US, I can't write, but I can sing and I will be starting thursday. When everything else fails, I still always have that. Really, I already do sing... on my own, in my room. But there's something about putting all of my effort into my voice lessons, preparing for jury and the recital at the end of the semester, that takes me away from everything else. I need that. I desperately need to invest myself in something all-consuming and singing, which means as much to me as it does, is better for that than anything else in my life.

I can no longer listen to "Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have While Lying Down" by Panic! at the Disco. It's one of the few things that still reminds me of the big mistake of my summer, so I must eliminate it. Goodbye, Panic! at the Disco. *deletes file from computer* I'd never heard of the band before this summer, anyway. If not for this summer, I may never have. Let's pretend as if it never happened at all.
Link3 curses ~ whisper

Returning [8/20/06 ~ 11:18 am]
Philosophical Paradox
[Tags|, ]
[i am here |A guest room in my Mother's house]
[feeling |contemplativecontemplative]
[listening to |Strawberry Field's Forever]

I frequently dream of nucleur explosions. Generally, the dream follows the same template, in which I am aware the world is about to be thrown into a catastrophic state of nucleur war and proceed to pile a mound of furniture, pillows, and whatever else I can get ahold of, on top of myself, as if all of those things will protect me.

My Week in DreamsCollapse )

And yes, this is the first time that I've written here in a little over a month. I've been going through something that included, but was not limited to, having a near emotional breakdown. I was dealing with a lot of things in a very unhealthy way and I needed the time to straighten everything out, including myself.

I'd like to make a public apology to de_paddestoel as it seems the sweetheart was actually a little concerned about me during my absence. I'm sorry. And thank you for asking about my wellfare, even though it took me two weeks to reply to you about it.
Link6 curses ~ whisper

1 a.m. rant [7/15/06 ~ 01:34 am]
Philosophical Paradox
[feeling |sleepysleepy]

Brilliant as I am, I just spilled a bottle of water all over the desk here and it gushed like a river straight toward the harddrive. If my father were here I suspect that I'd at least be subject to a lecture and at worst be banned permanently from coming within a five foot radius of the computer. This all occured, naturally, while dancing (a.k.a. flinging my arms around) to my mp3s at 1 am in the morning when coordination skills are not their best. It's a recipe for disaster and luckily my Dad is not here to tell me that because I'm obviously quite aware of the fact already.

I should go to sleep before I set the house on fire. On the plus side, staying up later now helps me adjust to US time when I go back to school. ... I don't want to go back. Save me. But then, I don't want to stay here, either. I want to go somewhere new. California. I want to go to California. No, that's not random. I have reasons! I'm just not going to share them.

Yes. Deffinetly time for sleep.
Link4 curses ~ whisper

Sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll [7/13/06 ~ 05:20 am]
Philosophical Paradox
[Tags|, ]
[i am here |Half-asleep. That is a location, yeah?]
[feeling |awakeawake]
[listening to |The Whir of the Computer]

Okay, so it's 5 am and I have been awake since 4. I also stayed up until 2 am drawing, so here's me: really tired when I should go back to sleep instead of writing in my journal. I did wake up so early for a reason, though. I don't simply enjoy torturing myself. Dad left early this morning, around 4:30 am, to go to the airport. He's flying back to the US for a wedding, so I wanted to be up to say goodbye and wave him off. So... I have been left ALONE. All by myself, in the whole of the UK, for four days. Well, obviously there are still other people in the UK, but. ...What will I do with myself? Sex  Drugs  ...Rock-n-Roll? Yes, I can do that! I'm such a rebel with my mp3s.

Prior mentioned drawings that have resulted in my current two-hour energy-store:

Romeo and Juliet: I modeled it from the insert in my Romeo and Juliet DVD. I say it is just modelled after it because I am a terrible artist and this drawing looks nothing like Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes kissing. But it still came out fairly nice on its own.

Picture Perfect: This is based on a real-life story. It's kind of a visual expression of an emotion related to the story. And I am quite aware that I can not draw hands to save my life. That is the reason that I did not finish the third drawing I worked on: there were tiny fingers involved and they were just ruining it for me. :p
Link3 curses ~ whisper

Father-drama, Snowdonia, and yet more drawings [7/11/06 ~ 07:49 pm]
Philosophical Paradox
[Tags|, , , , , , , , , , ]
[feeling |confusedconfused]
[listening to |Dandelion - RIP SLYME]

The hard stuff... a bit of drama... blah blah blah... might as well move on and just read the restCollapse )

A lot has happened since I last wrote an entry, which is why I havn't had the chance to write, obviously. I tried a couple of times, but I didn't get much further than a couple of words. I even wrote a couple of paragraphs earlier today but IE shut down on me and they were lost. (Damn you, Internet Explorer. Why do I continue to use you? Why?)

On saturday I went to Snowdonia, Wales. It was absolutely beautiful. First we went to Conwy Castle, then Penrhyn Castle, and we stopped on the way home in Liverpool to have dinner at a restaurant called Casa Italia. Conwy Castle was built in the late 13th century by King Edward I as a means to both protect Wales from outsiders and contain the Welsh people. It's obviously rather old and falling apart because of that, but that's the best kind of castle to explore.

Penrhyn was a much different experience. Built in the early 19th century, it's much newer and even had people living in it up until the 1930's when the last Baron Penrhyn died. It was just as beautiful as Conwy, but in a different way. It was so luxuriously filled with antiques and beautiful paintings and I would have liked to have stayed and lived there, but I doubt the owners of the Castle would have agreed, so I decided against finding a corner to curl up in and hide until after they closed and everyone had left.

And Liverpool is, well... Liverpool. I've been there before for the whole Beatles experience, but there's something about being there, walking past The Cavern (an underground pub where they played about 300 times when they were first getting started as a band), that makes stopping to have dinner feel like more than any ordinary meal. Or I'm just an extraordinary dork and this is just MY reaction to eating dinner in Liverpool.

And I took pictures. A lot of pictures. Here are a few of them.

Pictures!Collapse )

Oh. New drawings! As if I havn't been posting them incessently enough here.

drawingsCollapse )

If you're in a bad mood, this should cheer you up. It gave me a smile, espescially the little message at the end of it. :)
Link4 curses ~ whisper

Nap-time, drawing, and pre-Snowdonia [7/7/06 ~ 05:15 pm]
Philosophical Paradox
[feeling |cheerfulcheerful]
[listening to |Ajisai AI Ai Monogatari - Biyuuden]

Ooooh, wow. That's some nap I just woke up from. It feels as if it was drug-induced, somehow. Plus I feel better than I did earlier before the nap. I've been moping around with killer cramps for the last 24 hours and this morning it got to the point where I could easily have torn out certain body parts and not really felt as if I would ever miss them. So I-- oooh, that's right, I took 800 mg of extra strength pain killer (so maybe that explains the tingly drug-induced feeling), took a really hot shower, put on roomy jeans, had two chocolate covered, peanut butter filled cookies, and then fell asleep on the sofa for what must have been atleast two and a half hours.

So, aside from the cotton feeling in my mouth, I feel really, really good now.

New drawing. The Sword in the Stone.

This weekend we're going to Snowdonia, Wales. The whole coast is just littered with castles, so you can drive along the shore and see castle after castle and they're all intact, unlike a lot of the castles here that were destroyed and all there is left is ruins. I think we'll probably focus on seeing Conwy Castle and then drive south-west along the coast to Penrhyn Castle. There are so many other places I want to go to in Snowdonia but then we'd be spending most of the day in the car trying to get to all of them.
Link1 curse ~ whisper

Fireworks Drama [7/6/06 ~ 06:48 pm]
Philosophical Paradox
[Tags|, , ]
[i am here |Some French Song]
[feeling |distresseddistressed]

I've been putting off writing about this for a couple of days now. It happened tuesday night when we went out to do a few fireworks of our own for a 4th of July mini-celebration. I had some reservations about doing fireworks in the neighborhood at 10:30 PM on a tuesday night but I didn't have the heart to tell Dad I didn't want to do it. He was so excited about it and he'd spent a lot of money on the fireworks.

The rest of the dramaCollapse )

So... with all of that said, here are two drawings that I did yesterday/today. The first one I began yesterday and completed this morning and then I did the second one after: Lonely Grave and Tied Up (which deffinetly involves a naked body from behind, if you happen to be at work and could use the warning).
Link2 curses ~ whisper

Why do ebay and paypal hate me? [7/4/06 ~ 06:04 pm]
Philosophical Paradox
[feeling |gloomygloomy]
[listening to |Dun-dun-dun-duuunnnnnn (and other such foreboding sounds)]

I bought a Tripp black and white corset and bat wings for my girlfriend for her to wear to a masquarade ball in a couple of weeks. Today I got an email from the people on ebay that I ordered the corset from and it said that my paypal address is unconfirmed, so the corset cost was refunded to me and is no longer available to me. Crap.

So I emailed them and asked them for help because I had no idea what they were talking about. They emailed me back with instructions on how to fix the situation and confirm my address, which involves the bank confirming that the address on my paypal account is the same address on my credit card account. CRAP.

It isn't. The address on my credit card account is the school's address because that's where I live when I am in the US, but I live here in the UK the rest of the time. This address is on my paypal account... So, you'd think that would be simple: I could just change the address on my papypal account to my school address, confirm, and have it over with. But, oh no. No, I can't, because when I try to add a new address to my paypal account it stubbornly refuses to accept that I in fact might live outside of the UK and won't let me change the country field of the address-add form!!!!! Graaaaargh!!! (That should read as a frustrated, anamalistic fury kind of sound)

So... gah. I give up. A girl tries to buy the girl she loves a little something, and what does she get? o.o At least she's still getting the bat wings. They're pretty...

Thank you. I feel much better now. :D I'm going to go climb the rest of it out of my system, now.
Link9 curses ~ whisper

Happy 4th of July. [7/4/06 ~ 10:34 am]
Philosophical Paradox
[Tags|, , , ]
[feeling |sleepysleepy]

Today's word of the day on the dictionary_wotd livejournal feed is emblazon-- to display pompously-- and that's very fitting for a day where millions of people shoot off bright, colorful explosions in the sky as a display of celebration for a nation.

I already saw fireworks on saturday night at the base, but we're going to do our own tonight out on the grassy field across from our street. Our british neighbors are going to be coming out of their houses in droves to see what we're up to. After all, even if it is in a way the anti-British holiday, who can resist fireworks?

I did a bit of drawing last night in bed, like always. Laughing out Loud and Henry, the vacuum cleaner. Please ignore Henry's sad little wheel in front. I did a dreadful job of it. Henry is, believe it or not, real. That's our vacuum cleaner. He doesn't work very well, but he makes up for it by being really, really cute.

Dad's off from work on holiday for Independence Day, so we're going climbing at Brimham. :D Now if we could combine the fireworks WHILE I'm climbing at Brimham, my day would be utterly complete. Can you imagine, climbing with fireworks shooting off overhead? It would be beautiful and make you that much more eager to get to the top where the best view is.
Link3 curses ~ whisper

A Day in my Life [7/2/06 ~ 12:25 pm]
Philosophical Paradox
A Day in my Life: The Fireworks Extraveganza

Woah. [7/1/06 ~ 02:44 pm]
Philosophical Paradox
[Tags|, ]
[feeling |surprisedsurprised]

I drew this. Like I have most nights lately, I stayed up in bed last night drawing and this is what came out of it. I'm honestly amazed with myself because... I don't like to brag, I really, really hate to brag, and maybe I'm wrong, but I think it turned out pretty damn good.

After I finished it I took it to show to my Dad because I could hear him moving around in his bedroom, so I knew he was still awake. I asked him if it looked real, if it was any good, and the best he could offer me was that she looked scary and he didn't want to meet her in a dark alley. I don't think she looks scary at all and I'm not surprised that he couldn't give me an honest opinion on the quality of the drawing, because neither of my parents have ever been good at giving out compliments or praise or any type of critique, though my mother has deffinetly improved over time.

So, after that I went back to my room and layed down with it on the bed next to me, and just looked at it for 15 or so minutes, making minor changes to it here and there. Mostly I couldn't take my eyes off of it because I couldn't believe I had drawn a person that actually looks like a person. Eventually I fell asleep and because it was in bed with me, I rolled over it a bit while I was sleeping. Hence the slightly crumpled paper. Oops. :)

The more I draw, the more I really wish I had a scanner here because photographing the drawings with the digital camera makes them a little fuzzy and dark.

I'm photographing another day in my life today, so I'll be posting it tomorrow. Good fun. :)
Link1 curse ~ whisper

Pet Peeves and Bowling [6/30/06 ~ 10:55 pm]
Philosophical Paradox
[Tags|, , ]
[feeling |cheerfulcheerful]
[listening to |Umm... none, actually.]

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people are too wrapped up in their own life/world to acknowledge/hear me when I have said something to them, and then said "Hello?" and "Excuse me?" a couple of times after, until finally I have to raise my voice to be heard and then glared at because they think I'm rude. Gah. And now that I have gotten that off of my mind...

I had a good night. Bowling. But Gary didn't show up and I'm slightly disappointed. It's not like it was a date... he just said he would be there. It's okay, though. Tommo, Keith, and Ken are very, very sweet and I am more than willing to spend the night bowling with just them. It's a lot of fun to be the girl amongst all the guys bowling because every time I get a strike or a spare, they smile for me as if the sun just came out after a year-long thunder storm. They're adorable. :) And my new bowling ball was absolutely fabulous. :D

Squee? Okay, I just didn't feel like putting the effort into a subject. [6/29/06 ~ 07:50 pm]
Philosophical Paradox
[Tags|, , , , , ]
[feeling |contentcontent]
[listening to |Hurts So Good - John Mellencamp]

Here we have Lizzy. He (yes, he-- for the first 6 or 7 years of his life we were quite under the impression that he was a female cat, as that is what the pet store promised us he was, but those spherical objects swinging around down there are deffinetly not hair balls. So, Elizabeth otherwise known as Lizzy has a female name) does that for about an hour before his scheduled feeding time, every single day. It begins with unusual, out-of-character affection, in which she bounds onto the sofa next to you, places her little furry paws on your leg, and peers inploringly into your eyes. Should you happen to get up and walk about, she becomes your shadow.

When the time has arrived-- because she always, always knows it is time-- she sits, just this way, with the expression of a starving child on her fuzzy little face, right outside the door to the room that her food bowl occupies. And please take note that I have begun referring to he as she now. This is bound to happen given the circumstances of having thought he a she for a large amount of time, and sometimes I even enjoy confusing people with it.

More and all thatCollapse )
Link2 curses ~ whisper

My flower [6/28/06 ~ 08:18 pm]
Philosophical Paradox
[Tags|, , ]
[feeling |artisticartistic]
[listening to |Mordred's Lullaby - Heather Dale]

This is my flower. I picked it out of the backyard, and then drew it. It's not the best drawing in the world, but considering that a week ago I wouldn't even have attempted to do this, I'm very pleased with it. :) Oh, and I edited it in photoshop to make it red, but other than that it was done by hand.

Last time I looked at the clock at the corner of my screen it said 8:00 PM, and after what felt like two minutes I looked at it again and it said 8:15. Time goes by too quickly. There needs to be more hours in the day. I wonder who I can bribe to have this arranged... hmm.
Link3 curses ~ whisper

Self-affirmative Bookmarks [6/28/06 ~ 03:18 pm]
Philosophical Paradox
[Tags|, , , , ]
[feeling |surprisedsurprised]
[listening to |Weapon of Choice - Fatboy Slim]

I decided I need to improve my self-esteem-- not that I utterly hate myself and can see nothing good in myself at all, but it does inhibit me at times from doing things I would otherwise enjoy. I really want to be able to stop caring as much as I do about what other people think and care much more about just enjoying who I am. So, Alley gave me the idea to write a self-affirmation and post it in places that I can see it from time to time, just as a reminder of my positive qualities.

Then we took it a step further and decided a self-affirmation would make a good bookmark, so that every time I open up a book to read (and some of the times I do read are when I am feeling lonely, or down, or just want to escape) it would be right there. This is how it turned out.

It says: I am loved by many. Other people's bad attitudes towards me do not quantify my worth. I sing beautifully and have a beautifully artistic mind. There is a natural elegance, compassion, and thoughtfulness about me. I have eyes the color of the earth-- reflecting my love for nature and animals-- and a smile that lights and warms the world like the sun. I deserve to see all of that in myself and more.

I realize it's somewhat sappy, it's a lot of self-loving, and it isn't even the slightest bit modest, but low self-esteem isn't pleasant and a little sappy self-love can't hurt.

Also, I'm reading a book that I last read when I was in the fifth grade (which is currently housing my bookmark :D). It's called "Wait Till Helen Comes" and was written by Mary Downing Hahn. It's one of the first books that I truely loved when I was young and I think one of the reasons I love to read as much as I do now. It's only 183 pages, so I'm not exactly reading it for a challenge, but it reminds me of what it was like to be young and carefree and to really love doing something without inhibition. I can't tell you the number of times I got caught reading this book in class when the teacher was talking. ;)

I'm actually impressed at it's reading-level; the vocabularly used in the book is more advanced than what I expected or remembered it being. I'm not sure if kids today are lazier, or perhaps I don't give them enough credit, but I can't imagine a 5th grader reading it. When/if I have children, I'm going to be sure to introduce them to reading (and mathematics) as early as possible, because I'm not satisfied with the literacy rate of chilfren in the world today.
Link1 curse ~ whisper

Drawing, geeking, the usual. [6/27/06 ~ 05:26 pm]
Philosophical Paradox
[Tags|, , , , , ]
[i am here |A bottle of pepto bismal, one would think.]
[feeling |amusedamused]
[listening to |Don't Walk Away - ELO]

Today I drew a hat! That's right, a hat. And I'm so exceedingly proud of my drawn hat that I'm posting it here. Nevermind that when I got to the eyes of the drawing I erased and redrew them several times before I'd had enough. My hat is absolutely beautiful! I feel like a proud mother.

I also redid my desktop theme. I made the wallpaper, sort of. I took two images (the peculiar looking tree with the unusual swirly limbs protruding from out of it and the cute little guy with the cloud over his head), added all of the hearts, made his cloud pink, and added the text and put it all together. Then I made pink icons for all of the programs on my desktop and changed the colors of my desktop and my windows media player to various shades of pink. I like how it came out, but I think you have to at least be able to tolerate the color pink to appreciate it.

It's been a slow day-- if that isn't obvious enough-- but that's okay because I'm making up for it this weekend. Saturday is the annual Fourth of July celebration on the base-- which was a lot of fun last year-- and then on sunday we're invited to a BBQ at Cora's house and I havn't seen her since winter. Her and her husband are very sweet and I'm looking forward to visiting them. And as per usual, I'll be bringing my own supply of veggie burgers and subsequently explaining that I don't eat meat and why I don't eat meat, etc, etc, etc. :p Then there's friday. Bowling. Gary. He's just a good looking guy. There's nothing to be nervous about at all. And if you believe that, then I have many bridges to sell you. :)
Link2 curses ~ whisper

Pictures! Oooh. Aaaah. [6/25/06 ~ 01:21 pm]
Philosophical Paradox
[Tags|, , ]
[i am here |Here and there.]
[feeling |awakeawake]
[listening to |Silence. o.o]

A day in my life: the car trip edition

Everywhere, I am. [6/23/06 ~ 05:51 pm]
Philosophical Paradox
[Tags|, , , ]
[i am here |All over the place!]
[feeling |crazycrazy]
[listening to |The Simpsons Themesong... o.o]

I've done so much today-- not in that I actually stepped out the front door, but around the house. I really just felt like it was time to organize and clean and feel renewed. I get that way sometimes-- every now and then I crave that brand-new, fresh out of the shower / dryer clean feeling. I feel good after I've finished it all but I havn't finished yet because I promised myself I'd write in my journal today. So I'm doing it now before I end up not doing it.

Today (before I launched into sterilization-organization mode) I found a website called Learn to Draw.com while I was searching for something else entirely, and I decided I'd go ahead and give it a try. It surprised me! I started with the basics because, let's face it, my stick figures aren't even up to par. It actually has taught me a lot so far. And here I share with you the fruits of my labor... as sickly as it actually looks, the important thing to remember is that the original was rather sickly looking and I weren't meant to improve upon it, merely copy it. :p

The website gave me a basic drawing (no shading, just outlining) to copy, except that it presented the image upside down. It did this so that we would recognize the image in parts, as lines and angles and shapes, rather as a whole. The intention was to introduce us to looking at images in terms of its parts and putting those parts together piece by piece to make a whole. Apparently, those who have trouble drawing realistically have that difficulty because the logical side of the brain forces them to see the image as a whole, crippling the visual side of the brain from breaking the image down and rebuilding it.

... And surprise, surprise, recreating the image upside down WORKED. This is the image they showed us on the website (except that it was upside down originally), and this is my version of it. Not too shabby for beginning, no? :) I stopped at that point because that one exercise took me FOREVER, so I was tired of drawing. But I'll keep at it from time to time over this summer. :)

ALSO-- I have to make this quick because I need to get a shower and get dressed before Dad and I go out bowling tonight-- I registed at postcrossing.com today and got my first address in my email. So, I'm going to try to find a nice postcard on the base tonight when we go bowling to post out tomorrow to A. Ruuska of Finland when I go into town this weekend, and then wait for someone to send me one. I think it will be a lot of fun. :)
Link5 curses ~ whisper

Grumble. [6/21/06 ~ 12:01 pm]
Philosophical Paradox
[Tags|, , , ]
[i am here |This hurts my head. Where else could I be? Outer space?]
[feeling |mischievousmischievous]
[listening to |Linger - The Cranberries]

I can't express enough how much I dislike telemarketing companies-- note, not the telemarketers themselves because I can't blame them for needing a job and I highly doubt any of them are doing it for a good time-- because they always, ALWAYS call right in the middle of a good song and I have to pause it and leap over the king size bed to get to the phone before the answering machine. This is, of course, under the false assumption that the person behind the ringing telephone is someone that actually wants to speak with me, not sell me something.

I think that perhaps next time they call I will do one of two things; either engage them in a conversation, as that is what they have raised and dashed my hopes for, or try to sell them something, a la "I have a really great VCR I don't use anymore, but for a mere $15 I am willing to let it go to you." Like a yard sale, but over the phone.

By the way? I love my girlfriend, Alley. And I'd like my grandchildren years from now to read this and know that I was not all cynicism, raging against the telemerketers. I printed out a picture of her today so that I can look at her whenever I want. Digital cameras are a wonderful thing, but they are much better when you have the printer to put out photo-quality pictures. (And here's where my grandchildren scoff at me for talking about digital cameras, when the technology of their day is so far advanced from something as silly as a digital camera. :p)
Link2 curses ~ whisper

Stephen [6/20/06 ~ 06:01 pm]
Philosophical Paradox
I'm going to write more often. I really, really am. Not that anyone reads, so no one is keeping tabs on how often I am writing, but I always WANT to write, so I should make sure I find the time to do it, for myself. There.

I definetly stalked someone today... if skimming through a livejournal is stalking. I havn't spoken to him in about a year and the situation as of late suddenly being with Alley again and finding myself tossed back into polyamory made me think of him. He was really my first introduction to polyamory, outside of Alley. He was actively polyamorous and it was good to have a friend that I could talk about it with, but we lost track of eachother. I'd like to contact him again but I'm feeling shy about it...
Link38 curses ~ whisper

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